Say What You Mean - Mean What You Say!

The Grocery Store

I know grocery shopping with little ones can be a challenge, but here's a quick tip: start with clear rules and enforce them. Ooohhh....mean mommy? No, it will help both you and your children.

A couple days ago I was in the grocery store and couldn't help but overhear a mom scolding her kids. Within minutes it became yelling at her screaming & crying kids. By this time they were at the end of my aisle and I glanced over at the scene.

I was so surprised to see two kids about 6 and 9 years old behaving
in this way in the grocery store. Temper tantrums & toddlers I can understand, but fighting and screaming in public at 6 and 9 is unnecessary. By this age it's quite reasonable to expect kids to know how to behave in public, to be able to accompany you on errands without a scene, and to have some self control. What happened next gave a clear indication of why this mom was having so much trouble in the grocery store.

She told them to sit down on the floor right there and take a 5 second time out. What? Did she really expect them to do this? Did she expect 5 seconds to make a difference? A desperate attempt but not a useful method for the situation. They didn't obey and kept screaming & crying about some fight they had had over some object the little boy was waving in his hand. Mom was really getting frustrated now.

Next came the threat, "If you don't stop fighting & fussing we're going to leave the store...". Well that's progress, I thought, but I doubted she would follow through. Kid's don't become this way by accident. It's lack of clear expectations form the beginning, and failure to follow through with consequences that produces this kind of result. Just as I expected, the crying, fighting, fussing, yelling & threats continued for the next 20 minutes all the way to the check out line and out of the store. I don't want to know what happened in the car or at home.

Prevention

For 3 to 6 year old's we can make our expectations clear ahead of time like this: "Mommy has to buy food at the store so we can make dinner. You can come with me and help with the shopping as long as there's no fighting or fussing." It's good to involve the kids at a young age and make it a learning experience by giving them small tasks like holding a box of crackers or helping to choose the cereal. 

It might feel like this takes too much time, but it will save you a lot of time & frustration in the long run. As they get older teach them all your shopping tips.

Other Prevention Methods

• Don't take your kid's to the store when they are tired, cranky or hungry. 
• Plan a weekly menu to decrease shopping decisions and time.
• Bring toys, drinks & snacks to avoid bribing your kids with treats.
• Have a joyful conversation with your kids while shopping, make it fun & entertaining. 

Intervention

When you're at the store and trouble starts restate your expectation and give a consequence. "Remember, Mommy said there's no fussing or fighting, you need to stop arguing and whining or we will leave the store. If we have to leave there will be no food for dinner. Do you want mommy to cook dinner tonight?" Say this in a matter of fact way without any emotional overload. Then continue to involve them in the shopping process.

If the situation persists you must drop everything and leave the store. Believe me, the store manager & shoppers will understand, and you will only have to do this once. Take your children by the hand or in arms and exit quickly, strap them in their car seats and then calmly but firmly tell them, "Mommy is not happy with your behavior. We are going home without any food for dinner. You will have to eat crackers for dinner." Then drive home and let them experience the consequence.

I have done it, once. Many other parents have done it and no one was harmed. Children don't grow up thinking their parents are mean for doing this. On the contrary, children who experience repeated shopping disasters and frustrated parents who may resort to overly punishing them when they get home, will be more likely to experience their parents as mean. Children need to learn what is expected of them in a calm and controlled way. If they never experience the consequences of misbehavior they will not learn to control themselves. So, say what you mean & mean what you say!

Sometimes We Forget

Some Reasons Kid's Misbehave

I was sitting in a McDonald's on an outing with my kid's one day and I overheard a mom talking to her 3 year old daughter as she wiped her little girl's nose. She was saying, "You've been giving me such a hard time all day, I don't know why you're being such a brat today." I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying anything.

Meanwhile I thought, "I wonder what this mom would act like if she had a bad cold and someone was dragging her all over town all day." I see it all the time, parents dragging their kid's everywhere while being oblivious to the fact that the child is tired, hungry or sick, or maybe just needs some down time.  We always have so much to do and so little time.

A Little Bit of Empathy Goes a Long Way

There are times when kid's will just be naughty because they are immature, but many times we also have to be aware of the other circumstances influencing their behavior. For example, if there have been a lot of changes or difficulties at home or at school this can result in bad behavior. Your child can not tell you that they are stressed out, even adults sometimes have trouble identifying sources of underlying stress. 

In the normal course of growing up children will have emotional reactions that they don't quite understand so they can't really explain. For example, at times they may feel discouraged, rejected, unloved, inadequate or incapable (no matter how much you love them). This may result in being grouchy, moody, irritable and complaining. Going through struggles and feeling these types of emotions is a normal part of life, so they will need to learn how to deal with these feelings. We can help them by having empathy, but also helping them learn to express how they feel with words, and to make positive choices that will help them feel better.

My oldest son was so stressed out after his first few days at kindergarten that he started hitting his little sister the minute he got in the car. I said, "Well if this is what school does to you I think it's not worth it, we'll just stop going." He was surprised and looked at me and said, "I'm thirsty and hungry". I said, "Okay, that's all you had to say, now tell your sister you're sorry." I also told him it was normal to feel tired and cranky after such a busy day at school, but that it's not fair to take our feelings out on other people. After that I always brought food & drinks when I picked him up from school, and I asked his sister not to hug him or play with him until we got home.

Unusual Circumstances

How do you feel when you are in an unfamiliar situation, around people you don't know and you are not sure of what's going on? As an adult you may watch people, ask questions, or try to figure out what you should do in this situation. Children haven't learned to do that yet. They may ask lots of questions that annoy you or they may misbehave. They don't know what the guidelines are unless you've warned them ahead of time. They don't know the environment may not be child friendly. They don't know how to deal with boredom and they want to play.

Not knowing what is appropriate at a particular time & place (like going out to dinner), feeling a little insecure and wanting your attention (at the doctor's office), or getting different messages from too many different people (mom, dad, caregiver, grandparent, friends) can all create confusion and be a set up for poor behavior. So what's a parent to do? Can you remember how to behave toward your child in all these situations? It's not easy for parents either.

There Is A Time & Place For Everything

That's what kids need to learn. I think the best way to deal with most of these situations is to reassure your child that you understand how they are feeling, use words to label their feelings and look for affirmation. Then briefly explain the behavior you expect in that situation, and the consequence if they don't behave well. Also reassure them that the circumstances will be over soon and they will be able to go home.

Another good idea is to avoid behavior problems by avoiding the situations that cause them whenever possible while they are very young. Of course you don't want to over protect them because they need to learn how to behave in public (as well as at home), but sometimes it's just not the best day to go shopping, or to McDonald's.

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This Old House

A house is a home when it's filled with the people you love. When they all go away it's just filled with memories, and possibly pets too. It's also filled with a lot of dust, unfinished projects, and tons of stuff that needs to be thrown out - yeah, all that stuff that we didn't deal with because we didn't think we had time.

That's life in the USA - we collect stuff. It piles up around us or we put it in storage. Attics and basements full of boxes, sometimes we even rent storage space! It's crazy, don't you think?

What Will You Leave Behind?

When my parents passed away a few years ago they left a whole house full of stuff. They thought they were doing us a favor (bless their hearts) by putting money into things instead of bank accounts; they thought we could avoid high inheritance taxes that way. Instead we inherited a lot of stuff to sort out and my brother's still dealing with it all.

I don't blame them, I'm sure it was good advice at the time it was given. However, it left me thinking about the way I'd like to leave things for my kids. Of course everyone has sentimental things they want to keep, but I don't really think my kids will want to inherit all my junk. They have their own junk.

Moving On

I don't want to be a "past stuff" babysitter for the rest of my life. I'd like to be able to travel a bit and have a little fun, in between work and visiting family of course. But there's 25 years worth of leftovers from life with family tying me down right now (including pets). 

My husband has already moved on and is building a life for us somewhere else. We figured that was the only way we could do it, one of us would have to move on first while the other dealt with all the stuff we've collected. It's not easy but we're in a process of figuring out this next stage of life after the kids have grown up.

You can't take it with you!

We've all heard this saying in relation to not being able to take our material abundance with us to the afterlife (thank God!). But we can't always take it with us here in the now life either. If we want to move on with our lives we sometimes have to let go of stuff, and we have to ask our kids to take responsibility for their own stuff too.

Our daughter is moving across the country in a little 2 door hatchback that's about 1/10th the size of her bedroom. She definitely can not take it all with her. Our older son just moved into a nice 2 bedroom apartment so I asked him to start taking some things from the closet and attic that he has stored here for the past 4 years since he graduated college. I consider dealing with this as my karma because I still had some things stored at my parents house even after they passed away.

Our youngest is still in college but I have less concern about his things because he seems to have an easier time letting go, except for the pets. One of the kids will eventually have to take the pets.

Life is full of changes

I wish I had the foresight long ago to plan for all these changes. I hope my kids will have the foresight to live a simple scaled back life. Although we are not wealthy by any means, between raising children and running a business we have managed to collect more stuff than we need. It's time to simplify and enjoy some freedom.

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